Tuesday, June 07, 2011

The caretaker's dilemma

I have been thinking a lot about the issue of taking care of aging parents and the complexities of the situation.  We are the generation with one foot in the U.S (or any place else abroad) and one foot back home in India.  Some of us came here for our undergraduate studies, some for graduate school and some others for work.  Many decided to stay on after marriage, had children and established roots here.  I am writing from the perspective of someone who is going through the confusion of what is right when it comes to being the caretaker for an aging parent or parent-in-law.

MM wrote this post recently on how it is for her parents to come to the U.S. and being away from their home, their normal routines.  I also read this post by hiphopgrandma on the same topic.  Very interesting perspectives.  I am sure there are plenty of others with stories of their own regarding this issue.  I have written about this topic earlier as well.  I wrote that post nearly three years back.  By divine grace so far we have managed OK both with my mother and with my father-in-law.  My FIL got his green card and shunts between the two countries.  He spends some time with his daughter and then comes to stay with us and then heads back to India.

I feel very guilty when I see my FIL alone without my mother-in-law and having to stay with us for part of the year.  If she had been alive, they would have both coped with life here quite well.  They enjoyed their trips to the U.S. in the past.  So in that sense, they did not feel too displaced and were quite happy to be with their children.  My MIL was a very talented, sharp woman and she had tremendous inner strength as I saw it and from what I heard from all her relatives.  She could be put in any situation and she would adapt and cope and always had a calm temperament.  I might have had some issues with her had she also been living with us - like it would happen in any normal situation when people co exist - but I consider it a tremendous loss for me that she passed away.  At the same time, I am still glad that she did not suffer nor become a burden for my FIL to take care of her, even if her children were to be there for them.

I sometimes see my father-in-law turn off the TV and just sit quietly, thinking, and staring up at the wall.  It really breaks my heart.  He is a voracious reader - he reads plenty of books and reads the newspaper cover to cover.  He does plenty of Sudoku puzzles every day and he reads horoscopes that people email to me and I write back his comments to them.  But there are 24 hours in a day and there still are so many moments in a day when there is nothing to do.  How do you keep the same set of routines day after day without much social company? Unlike my father who could make friends with any one pretty much and have conversations for hours, my FIL is a quiet person and he talks a lot only if there is a common interest or if the person initiates the conversation.  He is a friendly person but not overly chatty.  He is not the kind to play with the children either.  An occasional ball catch, that's about it.

My FIL's situation of having to live here has cropped up only in the last three years since my FIL got his green card and ends up spending about 6 or 7 months in the U.S.  It is a very long stretch for him.  The situation so far has been manageable.  Ideally he would have been happy had we lived in Bangalore as well and he could have just continued on with his life.  But both his son (my husband) and daughter came to the U.S many years back when they were both healthy and active.  My husband came here for his graduate studies and then started working and then he got married to me.  For me, there is no "home" as such in India because my parents moved to the U.S many years back when I came here for college.  All my siblings are settled in the U.S.  My father is no more and my mom shunts between all her children.  She too is tired of visiting each one of us and feels the need to settle in one place.

I think about this situation and I wonder what the right thing to do would be.  My FIL has never once asked us to move back to India.  I am grateful to him for not sending us on guilt trips and for giving us the freedom to make that choice.  He is a traditional Indian parent and so the primary responsibility rests with the son.  Son yes, but the real care taking falls on the daughter-in-law.  More on that later.  When my husband was finishing high school and got admission into IIT, it was a matter of pride and joy for my in-laws.  They had never once even told him to apply to IIT nor put him in any classes for the entrance exams.  In some sense, I think the lack of pressure really helped.  He went on to finish his B.tech.  He got job offers from Indian firms and admission into a couple of IIM's.  But with the blissfulness of youth, he just applied to some universities here for graduate studies and decided that if he got a full scholarship, he would come.  And he did.  At that time too it was a matter of joy for my in-laws.  At that point no one in his immediate family had come to the U.S and so it was all very exciting.  Later when he got a job after his graduate studies, that too was greeted with joy.  He was putting off marriage and would not even look at the photos of girls that his mother would show to him (that's a side plot some of my blog pals already know about).  So suddenly one day when he announced to his parents that he had decided to marry me they were very happy about it.  His father was so thrilled giving out wedding invitations to even his old school teacher when he bumped into him on the way to some place.  At those different stages, no one thought about what all that would mean in their old age.  May be they did somewhere as a distant thought, but nothing immediate.  Things seemed right at that time when every one was happy in their little worlds.

Now things are different.  My mother-in-law passed away.  My father-in-law has had no choice but to get adapted to life without a companion.  But the reality is he has also had to deal with living alone in a world that is not his home.  And that is the hard part for him, for us.  What do we do in this situation? We have young children who are used to life here.  My whole family lives in the U.S. and I have no home base in India now.  Without my mother-in-law around, even my FIL's house does not feel like a home.  I did not grow up in that  city and I don't even relate to that place.  My husband is happy in his job here and has never worked in India and so there is that fear of adjusting to that work culture at this stage of life, especially when the prime projects happen here for his job and not in India.  KB is a very sensitive child and I am happy he is comfortable in his environment here.  He is prone to respiratory infections and I honestly dread the pollution both in Bangalore and in Chennai were to live there.  A windy day dust storm here triggers bronchitis for him.  KG is most likely to adjust to life easily there since she is pretty easy going and will eat anything.  Unlike KB who probably would have a very hard time adjusting to all the changes.  Neither me nor my husband have any siblings in India now.  Considering everything, at what point do you decide that you uproot yourself even if you feel a sense of belonging (even if it is not complete like it would have been had I never left India) in the place you are in?  When my father-in-law left couple of days back after staying here for some months, he told me that he enjoyed his stay here and he was very appreciative of my cooking for him etc.  I was grateful for those kind words from him.

I am not even considering a full time job because I know I cannot cope with handling two kids and taking care of my FIL.  Even my FIL himself remarks to me that he feels sad that with all this education in hand, I am pretty much doing domestic work all day long.  But I don't want the stress of work to transfer on to the kids.  At least not when they are this young.  Last time he was here, because of some health issues I had to take him to different doctor appointments about a dozen times in a matter of three months.  This trip, it was mostly dental issues. But still it had to be dealt with.  When he is here, I feel better in fact because I am on top of it when it comes to his health.  I try to give him the right kind of food even if it means cooking separately for us, for the kids and for him at times.  And here making appointments, contacting the pharmacy etc all involve phone time which I have very little of in the day since those sort of calls cannot be done casually when I am cooking or cleaning. I have to plan his doctor visits in the time I have between drop off and pick up for the kids and find time to cook the meals and buy groceries.  There is absolutely no family locally for me and so unless it is an emergency I don't ask my friends (who also have two kids) to help me out.  When he is here, I feel very guilty to take the kids out for full day trips because he doesn't enjoy being out the whole day and it is practically difficult because then I would have to plan and pack food for him for all his meals.  Because of his diet restrictions, I don't feel comfortable letting him eat salty/greasy food from outside.  Much as I hate having the TV on at most times during the day, because the children are around, I subscribed to all the tamil channels available and I try and keep the kids in the family room so they are not also glancing at the angry or sobbing faces in these TV serials.  I never make any plans to go out of town when he is with us because I don't feel comfortable adding that responsibility on who ever we visit...if it is just us, we can always order take out if the host is busy.  And the travel is tiring for him as well.  All this is to say that the adjustment is not just for the aging parent but very much so for the rest of the family as well.  Nine months in a year, I am taking care either of my mother or my FIL both of whom are of similar age and similar situations.  This is when it irks me when some people casually remark with a tone of one sided pity that he has to put up with life here because both his children are in the U.S.  No one thought about all this when things were hunky dory.  Now every one is deeply entrenched in their lives so it is difficult to up and go.  Be it daughter or son.  This is not to say that we won't do it if it really comes down to it.   Since B is at work and comes home past the kids dinner time, I pretty much have to keep both kids and FIL fed, happy, engaged.  Every one needs my attention.  When I am trying to have a conversation with my FIL, both kids have a hundred things to say to me.  B comes home from work and spends time with the kids until their bed time.  When finally at the end of the day we sit down on the couch, both of us are too tired to talk to each other.  B is fast asleep ten minutes after we sit down some days and it does lead to us fighting more than we need to for trivial things because the pressure builds up.  I am writing this in detail because people who are not faced with this situation don't often realize that the situation is complex and there are no ideal solutions.  You just learn to cope and make the best of it.  I feel happy for my FIL when he is packing to go back to India because I know how free and at home he must feel when he is in the home he has been in for the last twenty five years.  I really wish he didn't have to come here and live this boring life, filled with monotonous routines of meals, walks, TV and so on.  We all mean well for each other but it is not easy on any of us.  I try to do my best to make life comfortable for him when he is here.  I am sure I do fail in many ways especially from his perspective.  But we all learn to live with it.  I am not sure how much of my perspective about all this will change in my old age.  I just hope we retain good health at the very least so we can be on our own.  In the meanwhile, we all carry on with this balancing act.

16 comments:

Hip Grandma said...

Got to know your perspective and I admit that you have a point there - a valid one too. I was the caretaker for my FIL for 13 years after my MIL's death and though we continued to live in the city where my FIL worked and my husband studied we still had issues. So don't fret. You can only do your best and adjustment is a two way process. Being uprooted from familiar settings is not something I want and when I visit my children I am never completely at ease. But should something happen to one of us it would only make sense to think of an arrangement that is feasible and suitable to all even if it means adjusting to a home with one or the other of them -in turns perhaps?

Neera said...

I hear you noon! Right now will only send hugs your way, will think about it more and then reply, may be do a post.
These are such deep issues with really no solution. you are doing an amazing job of making the best of it.

mnamma said...

A very deep, thought provoking post Noonie! Here I sit cribbing about all the chores I have to do for just the five of us, when you go the whole nine yards - cook separate meals for your FIL and try to keep him happy in a place that is still alien to him. I am ashamed now :) I totally get the amount of work you have to do and the frayed nerves at the end of the day. Like Hip Grandma rightly points our, adjustment is a two way process and some people to adjust and adapt better. My Mom used to be happy and well adjusted during her trips to the US, whereas my ILs always had a much tougher time. It all boils down to the type of individual you are. You ended the post with such melancholy. RIght now, when old age seems so far away, I haven't given much thought about the issue but your post got me thinking. I have a whole different set of issues here, in India (as a caretaker) but I have the responsibility to take care of my ILs (My hubby is the only son)and my Mom (I am the elder daughter and MY Father passed away when I was young) when they are older and indisposed. I hope, I live up to the expectations and do my duty as a DIL and a daughter. Sorry for the long rambling comment.

Renu said...

you are doing a good job, and your FIl is lucky to have found you.

I know how restricting and cramped life sometimes feel. and sometimes one has everything and still doesnt feel happy..

I have been looking after my MIl since the day i got married, today my husband is retired, and people say that he is lucky to still have his mother,but nobody knows how daily life is so difficult and restrictive for me..earlier I was busy with children too and now she..and I feel totally frustrated when I have to do for both..my MIL and DIL

the mad momma said...

Each life is so unique and has its own difficulties. As Hip Grandma said, you can only do the best that you can. And knowing you - you probably do better than the best :)
hugs

Cantaloupes.Amma (CA) said...

emailed you ...

noon said...

HG - 13 years! Seriously - when I think of people like you, my mom n all - I feel terrible because I feel as if we all complain so much more...but you know life is also difft here - so much rests on just the two parents - for the kids - taking them to classes, groceries, school - teaching them things - so it is hard to cope sometimes...but still you took care of him for 13 years full time probably...my cousin's mom took care of her own parents (she was the only child) for years and years - they lived to 90 plus - it's not like it didn't take a toll on her - but still she did it all those years well into her 60's...I always think of people like that for inspiration...it is such a hedonistic society here that all around you see people enjoying, vacationing, shopping etc - you tend to forget what is important...I always tell myself at night when I go to bed that I am grateful for just that - another normal day...with my family in good health - that is my greatest blessing and prayer...rest I feel even if it is hard I can cope...I wish my FIL could have a better life with us in India but still things are not too bad for him...we are all doing our best...and him too - he is trying hard to adjust I am sure...

noon said...

Neera - Please post first. Either about this or about anything! :) Just post! :) But seriously - do write your perspective - esp since you did go back to India for a short while and may still do that...
I am not sure if I am doing an amazing job of it - you shd ask my FIL - he may beg to differ ;) But I do try my best to remember that I need to be more patient and try harder to make his old age comfortable...the only times I feel annoyed is if I am not able to do certain things for the kids because I am so busy with chores...

noon said...

Mniamma - I have to read your posts - been so long since we got in touch. It's been so busy at both ends. Well, I am not doing anything extraordinary. I just wanted to write about how even if we are all well meaning sometimes it feels bad to see someone bored and out of place and you are the reason they are not in their own home...but as a generation we should have all thought of that before moving here...
You have already given them so much peace of mind by moving back there - that in itself solves half the problem you know. It is just for people like me who have lived here for such a long time and the whole family is here, we are happy to be here - then it gets to be hard...to find an incentive to move back there. Fear of the unknown (how it will be to adjust) perhaps...

noon said...

Renu - thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. Wow - since the day you got married and now your husband is retired?! Really you are all just amazing. That sense of duty. Great as it is, am sure on a every day basis it took a lot of adjustment. I just hope your husband at least acknowledges all that you do/did for the family. Why DIL? You have to help her out as well?

noon said...

CA - I hope you also write a post on this...will be nice for us to read...
I wrote back a reply to your email btw..

sol said...

I am sure we'll face similar situations soon noon. Right now our parents are active and able to carry on with their lives in India and help us too when required. Parents do throw hints now and then that we should move back, not to take care of them, but for our own children. They talk about how they feel they should move to an old age home, because they are starting to feel drained out and tired. I really struggle when those discussions come up. I know their heart and life is in India. They are fine when they come here, but are waiting to get back. So we can't ask them to stay with us permanently, that would be unfair for them. Likewise it wouldn't be easy for us to get back and start life there either. Time will tell.
Hats off to you. You are doing a brilliant job, sacrificing your career and life for kids and family. I feel I am so selfish when I look at people like you. I can't even let go off my job, coz I think 10 years down the line, kids will be gone and I shouldn't be left with a sense of void coz that's all I've done. Tough tough choices..
Bear hugs to you! Take care..you are doing fantastic.

noon said...

MM - it is your nice post on the topic that prompted me to write about this - I totally could see how your parents must feel in the U.S even for a visit - I saw how my FIL feels displaced when he is here...
Thanks for your kind words. Whether or not I do better than the best or even my best - at least the intention is there - to make his life comfortable here - but sometimes I wish it was easier on him as well as me magically...but there is just no way out. It just is...

BangaloreMom said...

Noonie....only a very perceptive person or someone in exactly the same situation can understand and empathise with this situation fully. People are usually good with glib remarks and can just thoughtlessly say something which will quite easily demolish everything we have been working for. That said, I think life as a single will be difficult at that age, no matter where you guys decide to stay. We live in Bangalore and my mom lives with me and she still feels totally displaced. As you said, I have also quit my job and stay home because it is easier for me to deal with the kids and amma's health issues minus a job. Inspite of all this, I know that she is not completely happy here even though she does'nt say anything. Her place is her home in Coimbatore but unfortunately, there is no family there now and hence no question of her living there alone now. So, as you said, we all adjust a little bit, alter our lives a little bit and do it quite happily for each other, while others make snide comments.

I think the issue has been compounded for you bcos it is your FIL who is alone. Women, I still think, manage to keep themselves busy with their children's and grandchildren's lives in a way that men never seem to be able to. These are important issues in life but i also dont know if there are any easy answers. I think, at the end of the day, if we feel we are doing a good job of taking care of them and dont have any regrets later, it's the best we can do.

noon said...

Hello BM - Bin so long! So much has happened in the last couple of years right? When we used to regularly comment on each other's blog posts...hard to believe your dad is no more...how suddenly it all happened. I feel for your mother. Same kind of displacement even if it is w/in the country. But at least like you said, she is with her daughter (more freedom for her) and also women adapt better somehow...men have a harder time w/out their companion in their old age...You are in a tough situation in a way because the full responsibility is on you..no break there. Even to just share your concerns with someone who is equally invested emotionally/concerned about your mom. You have to be the strong one for her and for your children. It is not a easy task. I don't know how you finally made that decision to quit your job - must have been tough. But in a way glad that for a little while at least you can cope with things w/out it getting to be too stressful. Anyway - Good luck with everything. We will catch up later.

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